Tonight I went to healing mass on a whim with my parents. I had just come home from work and I didn't know that we were going to mass until I was home for a few minutes. The church was crowded and I was a bit annoyed that there were so many people and a lot of people saved spots for others, and parking was a hassle. Everything about getting settled was annoying. The priests were running late so the choir went through the same song about 3 times. I stayed irritated during the beginning of mass, but gradually that melted away. Fr. Joey Faller was actually really hilarious so it was hard to stay negative. He told us that we needed to stay open and just let go of everything. I've always had trouble doing that - I have no idea why. The moments are few and far between when I've succeeded.
It's a saying in Liwanag that you know the Holy Spirit is with you if you feel your heart beating (fast) and your tongue is sweaty. It was a strange feeling, but I knew my heart was beating differently the whole mass, like it was beating harder than usual. I felt every beat hit against my chest from the inside, like it wanted to test its limits.
This was a healing mass, and Fr. Joey told us that the healing could take place in different forms, such as crying. After mass, we did a prayer to ask God to heal us, that we believe in Him and that we surrender to His will. Our arms were all outstretched, and I already felt a few tears roll down my cheeks. My heart was beating slightly faster and harder from mass. It also felt warm at the head, like someone's hand was on it. Soon after there was the exposition of the Blessed Sacrament and Fr. Joey told us that we might feel the Holy Spirit when he came by with the Blessed Sacrament. We were all kneeling when he was walking around, starting at the other end of the room. I could hear him coming closer and when he passed by me, it was like a wave of warmth had come over me and I couldn't help but break down and cry. I had no control of my body. It was like a switch was flipped and all of a sudden I couldn't stop crying.
Fr. Joey also told us about a manifestation of the Holy Spirit and a gift from Mama Mary, which was in the form of glitter appearing on your hands, arms, face, forehead, etc. and told us that we're going to pray for that after the Blessed Sacrament. At this point I was so open, there was no room for any doubt ever in my heart or mind that God exists. How could he not? I was on fire! It's like I've never been more certain of anything in my life. Almost like I had a new level of conviction that I've never had before. It was empowering! It was a whole new level of being receptive to Him. So we did the prayer to ask for the physical manifestation/sign of glitter on our person. As we were praying with new fervor, I had no doubt in my mind that we would receive this gift. When Fr. Joey told us to open our eyes, I saw it! It wasn't as I expected, but it was there. Small and sometimes hard to see, but it was there. He also told us that different colors mean different things. Like, silver means I love you, gold means I'm with you. I'm probably reporting this wrong, but I know that I had green and some silver. Green means that there is still hope. I think I've been so down about work, the possibility of grad school, love life, certain problems, that I think that this message, especially sent by the divine, just put my heart at ease (although the stronger beats were persisting).
Now we just had to wait our turn to be touched by the priest. It was organized so that those in wheelchairs went first, then those who are handicapped, those with cancer, those who are accompanying children, and finally everyone else in row order. As we moved in to be the next batch, my heart was going out of control! I thought it was beating hard and fast before, but now it was almost like it was on overdrive. It was so strong that I had no doubt that I would faint and rest in the Holy Spirit. One reason why I am sometimes reluctant to attend these is that I'm afraid that I won't faint/fall and feel bad that I'm not open to the Spirit, like I don't possess enough faith to follow suit. Well, this time I don't think I've ever gone down any quicker! I felt Fr. Joey's hand, but it didn't even feel like a hand! It just felt soft and warm, and I felt a light on me. I felt it on my feet and I heard a voice (either me in my head or God?) telling me to let go, and I went down in an instant. It was funny because my parents were on either side of me. My dad was supposed to go down after me and my mom before me, but apparently I went down last! I thought I went down pretty quick so that just goes to show how lightning quick my parents went. It made me happy to see how open they were, especially since I felt like I was doing the more churchy stuff.
All in all, I am so thankful that I went to this healing mass. Although it started off badly, it ended up being exactly what I needed without me even really knowing this was what I was looking for. I may not have many physical ailments, but I think what he healed today was my heart. After the unusually strong heart beats, I feel like my heart is lighter. Almost as if the sadness and fear I was denying that I was feeling has left. My heart feels so much lighter! The darkness has left and only light remains.
Thank you, God!
