Healed on a whim

Tonight I went to healing mass on a whim with my parents. I had just come home from work and I didn't know that we were going to mass until I was home for a few minutes. The church was crowded and I was a bit annoyed that there were so many people and a lot of people saved spots for others, and parking was a hassle. Everything about getting settled was annoying. The priests were running late so the choir went through the same song about 3 times. I stayed irritated during the beginning of mass, but gradually that melted away. Fr. Joey Faller was actually really hilarious so it was hard to stay negative. He told us that we needed to stay open and just let go of everything. I've always had trouble doing that - I have no idea why. The moments are few and far between when I've succeeded.

It's a saying in Liwanag that you know the Holy Spirit is with you if you feel your heart beating (fast) and your tongue is sweaty. It was a strange feeling, but I knew my heart was beating differently the whole mass, like it was beating harder than usual. I felt every beat hit against my chest from the inside, like it wanted to test its limits.

This was a healing mass, and Fr. Joey told us that the healing could take place in different forms, such as crying. After mass, we did a prayer to ask God to heal us, that we believe in Him and that we surrender to His will. Our arms were all outstretched, and I already felt a few tears roll down my cheeks. My heart was beating slightly faster and harder from mass. It also felt warm at the head, like someone's hand was on it. Soon after there was the exposition of the Blessed Sacrament and Fr. Joey told us that we might feel the Holy Spirit when he came by with the Blessed Sacrament. We were all kneeling when he was walking around, starting at the other end of the room. I could hear him coming closer and when he passed by me, it was like a wave of warmth had come over me and I couldn't help but break down and cry. I had no control of my body. It was like a switch was flipped and all of a sudden I couldn't stop crying.

Fr. Joey also told us about a manifestation of the Holy Spirit and a gift from Mama Mary, which was in the form of glitter appearing on your hands, arms, face, forehead, etc. and told us that we're going to pray for that after the Blessed Sacrament. At this point I was so open, there was no room for any doubt ever in my heart or mind that God exists. How could he not? I was on fire! It's like I've never been more certain of anything in my life. Almost like I had a new level of conviction that I've never had before. It was empowering! It was a whole new level of being receptive to Him. So we did the prayer to ask for the physical manifestation/sign of glitter on our person. As we were praying with new fervor, I had no doubt in my mind that we would receive this gift. When Fr. Joey told us to open our eyes, I saw it! It wasn't as I expected, but it was there. Small and sometimes hard to see, but it was there. He also told us that different colors mean different things. Like, silver means I love you, gold means I'm with you. I'm probably reporting this wrong, but I know that I had green and some silver. Green means that there is still hope. I think I've been so down about work, the possibility of grad school, love life, certain problems, that I think that this message, especially sent by the divine, just put my heart at ease (although the stronger beats were persisting).

Now we just had to wait our turn to be touched by the priest. It was organized so that those in wheelchairs went first, then those who are handicapped, those with cancer, those who are accompanying children, and finally everyone else in row order. As we moved in to be the next batch, my heart was going out of control! I thought it was beating hard and fast before, but now it was almost like it was on overdrive. It was so strong that I had no doubt that I would faint and rest in the Holy Spirit. One reason why I am sometimes reluctant to attend these is that I'm afraid that I won't faint/fall and feel bad that I'm not open to the Spirit, like I don't possess enough faith to follow suit. Well, this time I don't think I've ever gone down any quicker! I felt Fr. Joey's hand, but it didn't even feel like a hand! It just felt soft and warm, and I felt a light on me. I felt it on my feet and I heard a voice (either me in my head or God?) telling me to let go, and I went down in an instant. It was funny because my parents were on either side of me. My dad was supposed to go down after me and my mom before me, but apparently I went down last! I thought I went down pretty quick so that just goes to show how lightning quick my parents went. It made me happy to see how open they were, especially since I felt like I was doing the more churchy stuff.

All in all, I am so thankful that I went to this healing mass. Although it started off badly, it ended up being exactly what I needed without me even really knowing this was what I was looking for. I may not have many physical ailments, but I think what he healed today was my heart. After the unusually strong heart beats, I feel like my heart is lighter. Almost as if the sadness and fear I was denying that I was feeling has left. My heart feels so much lighter! The darkness has left and only light remains.

Thank you, God!

Advice column / confessional

Today, my friend posted this question as his Facebook status:

I'm at a crossroad, is it right for me to confess my feelings to this special person? Or should I wait it out? (Basically, who should make the first move? Man or woman?).

First of all, I find this hilarious because as I type this, I just started Pandora on shuffle, and what song comes on? What Am I to You by Norah Jones. God has such a sense of humor sometimes. This is serendipitous!

Ok back to my friend's question, I feel like more often than not, the answers are always going to be yes, tell them, and no, don't wait. As for making the first move, hell it's the 21st century. If she makes it that's cool! If he makes it, that's cool too! But first let me elaborate. I feel like this will be a longer blog as I feel I have much to say.

I've learned in life that if you really like someone where it's to that point where you're going to explode, tell them. If you are sure you want to be with that person, tell them. Unfortunately, there isn't much in this life that is guaranteed. In this situation it's just like gambling. Sometimes, if you got a really good feeling about it, you just gotta go all in. You can either lose it all or gain so much more. Definitely easier said than done, and so I totally give props to everyone who's ever bared their soul in hopes of finding their better half. I think that now that I'm older, I've learned how I operate emotionally, and so I know how to cope with rejection better. In a previous blog, I wrote about either denying that you're in pain or you go through all the emotions head on - face it like ripping off a band-aid. It's gonna hurt but at least the pain won't linger as long as if you tried to peel it slowly. 

I've been in a few situations in the tell/don't tell situation. I've confessed my feelings to a guy I really liked for 3 years or so. At the time I was convinced he could possibly be the one. I was tired of being a semi-girlfriend to him and I wanted to actually be a couple, even if we went to different high schools. I had never felt so strongly about anyone, and I felt that it could work, that we could be happy. If anything, I would have closure and I could move on. It wasn't exactly win/win, but it was something. I didn't want to feel stuck anymore, and that desire outweighed my fear of rejection. I went for it. He rejected me (even though he did it nicely), and I told myself I could close that chapter and move on to the next page. When I was planning to tell him, I was going to wait for some event or something. We didn't really hang out by ourselves as much, and so I was chatting with him one day and something inside me told me to do it. That was the right time. There never really is a right time and so much could go wrong when there's planning involved. Your heart will tell you when it's right, and you'll know the moment when it comes. Seize it.

A second scenario is that I haven't told him. 10 years ago I met this really cool guy and I liked him a lot. I didn't know much about him, but what I did, I liked. We hung out a bit, but he didn't go to my college and visits weren't as frequent as I'd like. I could feel that he really liked me too, and so I was happy. We have mutual friends (that's how we met), and I listened to the wrong friend. She was my best friend at the time and she said that he treated all the girls like that. I didn't want to believe it, but I could see how that could be true. I let that get to my head and I built a wall. At the same time, it's hard to go to the guy's best guy friend and tell him about feelings. We didn't know each other as well at the time but I know that maybe I should've said something to either him or his friend. Now, I'm left with a subtle question in the back of my mind of the dreaded "what if". Now that everything is out in the open (it was a mutual affection, the friend knows, etc.) there is a slight chance something could happen in the future if he moves up here, but I can't wait for him and I shouldn't. Even though my last relationship has been about that far away, I'm not holding out for a "what if" when I can get a solid "here it is". Something like telling this guy I liked him could have changed my whole college experience, but things turn out the way they do for a reason. No use in dwelling on the past, but it always ends up nagging every now and then.

Another scenario is being on the receiving end of the "tell" situation without the mutual feeling. A few of my friends decided to tell me that they liked me either during or after the fact. It's not a guarantee that the person will react the way you want them to, and sometimes it just goes so wrong. I had to reject a friend 3 times and I felt bad every time, but that person had to realize that I'm not just going to give them a chance because we're friends or because they want a chance. My cardinal rule about that is that if I don't feel even an inkling of that kind of emotion for them, or I don't really see us being together like that, I'm going to say no. It wouldn't be fair to me nor to them. I wouldn't be able to give them my heart nor be true to myself. I don't say no to hurt them, it's just being honest with myself. That definitely saves a lot of pain in the long run. A couple guys didn't take it well. Well the one that asked a few times took it well until the third time, in which we had to have a time out. I really do want to stay friends with them but I understand that people get hurt and need time to heal their wounds. If they need time and space, I'll give it to them. If it salvages the friendship, I will wait a long time. Luckily, the friendship resumed with the first guy and we're still friends to this day.

Which brings me to the second guy.

He told me how he felt and I didn't return the feelings. I used humor as a shield and it ended up not being the right thing to do. It came off as me being insensitive and laughing at him putting himself out there, like it was nothing. Honestly, I thought I was diffusing the situation (because he was laughing too, a little), but I know now that I should have been serious and attentive. I was being selfish by trying to lessen the gravity of what was happening so I wouldn't feel awkward. I told him that I couldn't be that girl for him for reasons that were beyond my control. We agreed to continue to be friends. Later down the line, we had a miscommunication when it came to me visiting and that blew up in my face. I probably should have handled that better and been more sensitive to his feelings. It's on the fence between obliviousness and insensitivity but now it is what it is. He wrote me a letter telling me how he felt and that he was hurt and that we couldn't be friends because what this situation was doing was ultimately hurting him. I felt so bad... I didn't know I caused him this much pain, but I still wanted to be friends. He said he needed to cut me off so he could heal... I totally understood. To this day I still haven't spoken to him, messaged him, Facebooked, etc. I still feel the same but I don't want any old wounds to resurface when we see each other at a big event later on this year. Fingers crossed.

Now as for the last question, I feel like it sucks to wait for the other person to say they like you. Especially if you can feel that they like you too, it really doesn't matter who makes the first move. But I'm a little old fashioned and I would rather have the guy make the first move on me (unless we've already had an unspoken mutual understanding). But if we start going out, I want to think that I'm so over these stupid dating rules that I will tell him I like him if I did. I want to be open and honest, and communicative. These are the building blocks to a foundation everyone should have. If you can't talk about it with them, how are you going to fix things or make it better? 

This is really all so much easier said than done. I acknowledge that. Sometimes during the moment you're tongue tied and you just flub. It happens. The only thing you can do about that is to listen to that voice that gives you the courage to take action (or not take action), because sometimes you don't hear it until the moment you really need it. Prayer always helps, and so does a support system. There will always be someone who's rooting for you no matter the situation, so don't be afraid to fall; they will be your safety net to catch you and give you ice cream in either situation. Do it. Follow your heart. Life is too short to live it full of what ifs, especially when you feel so strongly. Most people regret what they didn't do more than they regret what they did. 

And with that, I leave you the letter Sophie wrote to Claire as Juliet, in Letters to Juliet.

"Dear Claire,

What and if are two words as nonthreatening as words can be. But put them together, side by side, and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life.

What if?

What if?

What if?

I don’t know how your story ended but if what you felt then was true love then it’s never too late. If it was true then, why wouldn’t it be true now? You only need the courage to follow your heart.

I don’t know what a love like Juliet’s feels like, a love to leave loved ones for, a love to cross oceans for, but I’d like to believe, if ever I were to feel it, that I’d have the courage to seize it. And Claire if you didn’t, I hope one day that you will.


All my love,

Juliet"

Airing it out

Ok so I broke my streak for a couple of days, but today I felt like writing about air.

Wind blows you toward me

Even when I look away

We can't escape this

Love all around us

I breathe you like I need you

We should never part

Yeah so... that reminded me of A Walk to Remember. Funny when words take you to a memory.

Continuing the trend

Last night I told ading that I would do a series of haikus for the next couple of days, in honor of the Avatar series. In total there will be five haikus, one per element and including spirit in whichever order I'm drawn to for the day. Today, for some reason, I'm drawn to the earth element.

Steadfast is the earth

Except when it is quaking;

Then it's disarray.

Changing it up a bit

So, my ading told me that sometimes he writes haikus, but usually if he wants to be more vague about something. I wasn't going to do this at first but as I went to get some water after my dance central workout, It kinda just popped into my head, so here it is:

When I'm near water,

Thoughts flow through me so simply.

Profoundness ensues.

World Cup madness!

Lately, not unlike the rest of the world, I've been getting into soccer. Everyone seems to be keeping up with the World Cup, even if it's just an occasional glance at the score, or checking out the really hot players. I don't really know what it is about sports that brings people together, but it really does. I think the effect is stronger the bigger the event. For instance, most people wouldn't go crazy over a school game unless your friends or family are playing. Sometimes that starts off with college games if that's the culture of your school. Most times, the attachment starts with the professional sports that are popular in the culture. For example, here in SF, most people are more attached to baseball and football because of our teams the Giants and the 49ers, respectively. The bigger/more important the game, the more people tend to gravitate toward the sport.  I won't go into the whole thing with those two teams, but because the World Cup is such a big thing right now, I'll focus on that.

The World Cup is basically the Olympics for soccer. It happens every 4 years, and numerous countries compete to bring their nation glory. And just like the Olympics I always root for team USA and whichever country I feel I identify with more or like. Sports is usually a symphony of unscripted athletic drama, and for me personally it's really easy for me to get emotionally invested in things like this. The cool thing is soccer really is the world's sport. Most of the countries play it and it actually can get really exciting. Even though most of the players just run around and pass, sometimes tens of minutes pass without any goal scored; but when it gets close to the net, that's when it gets real. There's so much that can happen with that wide of a field! The possibilities! This time around I'm going for USA and Germany. Also cheering for Japan and Korea, until they get eliminated or play the US. Oh sports, you have the whole world watching for the next few weeks.

Reunited and it feels so good!

Today is my 7th anniversary of graduating from college. Seriously I can't understand how time goes by that quickly. Just makes you think how life really is that short. One of my favorite things to do post-graduation (of high school, then later, college) is to catch up with old friends. Tonight was definitely in line with that sentiment. My friend came up from Socal and gathered a few of us Norcal people to have dinner. I haven't seen everyone in months so it's a nice little reunion every time I see people from college. The best thing about it is that once we get together, no matter where it is, it's like home. We're all so familiar with each other that we all just fall back into place. It usually happens with people at home too, when I haven't seen them in a while. Sometimes you just don't realize how much you miss someone until you reunite with them. It's all so easy  to get lost in your own routine, doing your own thing. People are really independent these days and sometimes it's just nice to put your guard down and just be with people.

One of my favorite parts about going to comic con is visiting friends who are in San Diego (and those who are amazing to drive down to see me). I'm so grateful to have amazing friends who would take the time to travel to hang out. No one could ask for better friends. One of the things I need to work on is to make time for those who are important to me, and to also try to bridge the gap between those who used to be. At the same time, those people are gone for a reason... but all it takes is one word to maybe start the friendship back up again. Who knows?