Today, my friend posted this question as his Facebook status:
I'm at a crossroad, is it right for me to confess my feelings to this special person? Or should I wait it out? (Basically, who should make the first move? Man or woman?).
First of all, I find this hilarious because as I type this, I just started Pandora on shuffle, and what song comes on? What Am I to You by Norah Jones. God has such a sense of humor sometimes. This is serendipitous!
Ok back to my friend's question, I feel like more often than not, the answers are always going to be yes, tell them, and no, don't wait. As for making the first move, hell it's the 21st century. If she makes it that's cool! If he makes it, that's cool too! But first let me elaborate. I feel like this will be a longer blog as I feel I have much to say.
I've learned in life that if you really like someone where it's to that point where you're going to explode, tell them. If you are sure you want to be with that person, tell them. Unfortunately, there isn't much in this life that is guaranteed. In this situation it's just like gambling. Sometimes, if you got a really good feeling about it, you just gotta go all in. You can either lose it all or gain so much more. Definitely easier said than done, and so I totally give props to everyone who's ever bared their soul in hopes of finding their better half. I think that now that I'm older, I've learned how I operate emotionally, and so I know how to cope with rejection better. In a previous blog, I wrote about either denying that you're in pain or you go through all the emotions head on - face it like ripping off a band-aid. It's gonna hurt but at least the pain won't linger as long as if you tried to peel it slowly.
I've been in a few situations in the tell/don't tell situation. I've confessed my feelings to a guy I really liked for 3 years or so. At the time I was convinced he could possibly be the one. I was tired of being a semi-girlfriend to him and I wanted to actually be a couple, even if we went to different high schools. I had never felt so strongly about anyone, and I felt that it could work, that we could be happy. If anything, I would have closure and I could move on. It wasn't exactly win/win, but it was something. I didn't want to feel stuck anymore, and that desire outweighed my fear of rejection. I went for it. He rejected me (even though he did it nicely), and I told myself I could close that chapter and move on to the next page. When I was planning to tell him, I was going to wait for some event or something. We didn't really hang out by ourselves as much, and so I was chatting with him one day and something inside me told me to do it. That was the right time. There never really is a right time and so much could go wrong when there's planning involved. Your heart will tell you when it's right, and you'll know the moment when it comes. Seize it.
A second scenario is that I haven't told him. 10 years ago I met this really cool guy and I liked him a lot. I didn't know much about him, but what I did, I liked. We hung out a bit, but he didn't go to my college and visits weren't as frequent as I'd like. I could feel that he really liked me too, and so I was happy. We have mutual friends (that's how we met), and I listened to the wrong friend. She was my best friend at the time and she said that he treated all the girls like that. I didn't want to believe it, but I could see how that could be true. I let that get to my head and I built a wall. At the same time, it's hard to go to the guy's best guy friend and tell him about feelings. We didn't know each other as well at the time but I know that maybe I should've said something to either him or his friend. Now, I'm left with a subtle question in the back of my mind of the dreaded "what if". Now that everything is out in the open (it was a mutual affection, the friend knows, etc.) there is a slight chance something could happen in the future if he moves up here, but I can't wait for him and I shouldn't. Even though my last relationship has been about that far away, I'm not holding out for a "what if" when I can get a solid "here it is". Something like telling this guy I liked him could have changed my whole college experience, but things turn out the way they do for a reason. No use in dwelling on the past, but it always ends up nagging every now and then.
Another scenario is being on the receiving end of the "tell" situation without the mutual feeling. A few of my friends decided to tell me that they liked me either during or after the fact. It's not a guarantee that the person will react the way you want them to, and sometimes it just goes so wrong. I had to reject a friend 3 times and I felt bad every time, but that person had to realize that I'm not just going to give them a chance because we're friends or because they want a chance. My cardinal rule about that is that if I don't feel even an inkling of that kind of emotion for them, or I don't really see us being together like that, I'm going to say no. It wouldn't be fair to me nor to them. I wouldn't be able to give them my heart nor be true to myself. I don't say no to hurt them, it's just being honest with myself. That definitely saves a lot of pain in the long run. A couple guys didn't take it well. Well the one that asked a few times took it well until the third time, in which we had to have a time out. I really do want to stay friends with them but I understand that people get hurt and need time to heal their wounds. If they need time and space, I'll give it to them. If it salvages the friendship, I will wait a long time. Luckily, the friendship resumed with the first guy and we're still friends to this day.
Which brings me to the second guy.
He told me how he felt and I didn't return the feelings. I used humor as a shield and it ended up not being the right thing to do. It came off as me being insensitive and laughing at him putting himself out there, like it was nothing. Honestly, I thought I was diffusing the situation (because he was laughing too, a little), but I know now that I should have been serious and attentive. I was being selfish by trying to lessen the gravity of what was happening so I wouldn't feel awkward. I told him that I couldn't be that girl for him for reasons that were beyond my control. We agreed to continue to be friends. Later down the line, we had a miscommunication when it came to me visiting and that blew up in my face. I probably should have handled that better and been more sensitive to his feelings. It's on the fence between obliviousness and insensitivity but now it is what it is. He wrote me a letter telling me how he felt and that he was hurt and that we couldn't be friends because what this situation was doing was ultimately hurting him. I felt so bad... I didn't know I caused him this much pain, but I still wanted to be friends. He said he needed to cut me off so he could heal... I totally understood. To this day I still haven't spoken to him, messaged him, Facebooked, etc. I still feel the same but I don't want any old wounds to resurface when we see each other at a big event later on this year. Fingers crossed.
Now as for the last question, I feel like it sucks to wait for the other person to say they like you. Especially if you can feel that they like you too, it really doesn't matter who makes the first move. But I'm a little old fashioned and I would rather have the guy make the first move on me (unless we've already had an unspoken mutual understanding). But if we start going out, I want to think that I'm so over these stupid dating rules that I will tell him I like him if I did. I want to be open and honest, and communicative. These are the building blocks to a foundation everyone should have. If you can't talk about it with them, how are you going to fix things or make it better?
This is really all so much easier said than done. I acknowledge that. Sometimes during the moment you're tongue tied and you just flub. It happens. The only thing you can do about that is to listen to that voice that gives you the courage to take action (or not take action), because sometimes you don't hear it until the moment you really need it. Prayer always helps, and so does a support system. There will always be someone who's rooting for you no matter the situation, so don't be afraid to fall; they will be your safety net to catch you and give you ice cream in either situation. Do it. Follow your heart. Life is too short to live it full of what ifs, especially when you feel so strongly. Most people regret what they didn't do more than they regret what they did.
And with that, I leave you the letter Sophie wrote to Claire as Juliet, in Letters to Juliet.
"Dear Claire,
What and if are two words as nonthreatening as words can be. But put them together, side by side, and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life.
What if?
What if?
What if?
I don’t know how your story ended but if what you felt then was true love then it’s never too late. If it was true then, why wouldn’t it be true now? You only need the courage to follow your heart.
I don’t know what a love like Juliet’s feels like, a love to leave loved ones for, a love to cross oceans for, but I’d like to believe, if ever I were to feel it, that I’d have the courage to seize it. And Claire if you didn’t, I hope one day that you will.
All my love,
Juliet"
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