Get it done!

Today I finally did it. I sent out my care package after almost 11 full months of planning it. To be fair, I did nothing for most of those months. It was supposed to be sent off by the end of May, but it just couldn't work. There were technical difficulties but I finally did it, and now it's in God's, USPS', Canada Post's, and the recipient's hands, and UPS' hands to get things back to me. And her's, of course. I really hope it works!

I feel like the whole care package ordeal is a metaphor for my life. I have the amazing idea to do something. I procrastinate like crazy then scramble to get it done. There are hiccups. Finally fed up with having not done it for a long time after I said I would, I finally just say "fuck it, whatever, I don't care how much it costs" and just do it. Now that it's done, it's a relief but I also feel the same. Not some huge weight lifted off my shoulders, just.. the same. Not in a bad way of course. I know that sometimes we have a set expectation of what we're going to feel after an event, and a lot of times it's never as we expect. Of course this whole thing was planned to the T until I actually kept doing it. Something tells me that this is exactly what's going to happen when I start my grad school stuff. I've been saying this for years, but I do really feel like this is going to be a crazy ride, and at the end I'll just feel lost and meh, but also accomplished and relieved. I would have fulfilled a life goal of mine (to get a hood fit for a MASTER!), but where would I go from there? Life is always a struggle after you complete something you've been so focused on, simply because you have to find a new focus. The process would start all over again. But I'm sure I have life ADD, because I just can't get my shit together and I get interested in other things that most of the time don't help the larger goal. As long as it's helping and not hurting in some way, right? =P

I'm constantly torn about what I'm supposed to do with my life. I want to be doing something meaningful and I know that I can do much more than what I'm doing now as a civil servant of the court. I have no idea what this life has in store for me, but I know that it's too short not to be happy. Even though I'm struggling with my life's purpose, there's always something that makes it worth while. Sure I'm not attached to someone, nor do I have my dream job, but I have my dream parents and amazing friends. There is nothing I can legitimately complain about, but I hope one day I can help alleviate someone's complaints in the world. I want to make a difference, and I hope that's not a selfish thing to ask. My hope is that I realize God's plan for me and then go full-hearted into it. One of the hardest things to do that I have yet to learn, is to tune myself and everything else out to hear him. There is so much "me" and worldly things I don't need that are deeply rooted in my thoughts. Simple pleasures are fine as long as I know what/who the true priorities are. The trick now is for me to find that volume dial so I can listen to that whispering wind after the earthquake and the fire. I have to get that done first.