Advice column / confessional

Today, my friend posted this question as his Facebook status:

I'm at a crossroad, is it right for me to confess my feelings to this special person? Or should I wait it out? (Basically, who should make the first move? Man or woman?).

First of all, I find this hilarious because as I type this, I just started Pandora on shuffle, and what song comes on? What Am I to You by Norah Jones. God has such a sense of humor sometimes. This is serendipitous!

Ok back to my friend's question, I feel like more often than not, the answers are always going to be yes, tell them, and no, don't wait. As for making the first move, hell it's the 21st century. If she makes it that's cool! If he makes it, that's cool too! But first let me elaborate. I feel like this will be a longer blog as I feel I have much to say.

I've learned in life that if you really like someone where it's to that point where you're going to explode, tell them. If you are sure you want to be with that person, tell them. Unfortunately, there isn't much in this life that is guaranteed. In this situation it's just like gambling. Sometimes, if you got a really good feeling about it, you just gotta go all in. You can either lose it all or gain so much more. Definitely easier said than done, and so I totally give props to everyone who's ever bared their soul in hopes of finding their better half. I think that now that I'm older, I've learned how I operate emotionally, and so I know how to cope with rejection better. In a previous blog, I wrote about either denying that you're in pain or you go through all the emotions head on - face it like ripping off a band-aid. It's gonna hurt but at least the pain won't linger as long as if you tried to peel it slowly. 

I've been in a few situations in the tell/don't tell situation. I've confessed my feelings to a guy I really liked for 3 years or so. At the time I was convinced he could possibly be the one. I was tired of being a semi-girlfriend to him and I wanted to actually be a couple, even if we went to different high schools. I had never felt so strongly about anyone, and I felt that it could work, that we could be happy. If anything, I would have closure and I could move on. It wasn't exactly win/win, but it was something. I didn't want to feel stuck anymore, and that desire outweighed my fear of rejection. I went for it. He rejected me (even though he did it nicely), and I told myself I could close that chapter and move on to the next page. When I was planning to tell him, I was going to wait for some event or something. We didn't really hang out by ourselves as much, and so I was chatting with him one day and something inside me told me to do it. That was the right time. There never really is a right time and so much could go wrong when there's planning involved. Your heart will tell you when it's right, and you'll know the moment when it comes. Seize it.

A second scenario is that I haven't told him. 10 years ago I met this really cool guy and I liked him a lot. I didn't know much about him, but what I did, I liked. We hung out a bit, but he didn't go to my college and visits weren't as frequent as I'd like. I could feel that he really liked me too, and so I was happy. We have mutual friends (that's how we met), and I listened to the wrong friend. She was my best friend at the time and she said that he treated all the girls like that. I didn't want to believe it, but I could see how that could be true. I let that get to my head and I built a wall. At the same time, it's hard to go to the guy's best guy friend and tell him about feelings. We didn't know each other as well at the time but I know that maybe I should've said something to either him or his friend. Now, I'm left with a subtle question in the back of my mind of the dreaded "what if". Now that everything is out in the open (it was a mutual affection, the friend knows, etc.) there is a slight chance something could happen in the future if he moves up here, but I can't wait for him and I shouldn't. Even though my last relationship has been about that far away, I'm not holding out for a "what if" when I can get a solid "here it is". Something like telling this guy I liked him could have changed my whole college experience, but things turn out the way they do for a reason. No use in dwelling on the past, but it always ends up nagging every now and then.

Another scenario is being on the receiving end of the "tell" situation without the mutual feeling. A few of my friends decided to tell me that they liked me either during or after the fact. It's not a guarantee that the person will react the way you want them to, and sometimes it just goes so wrong. I had to reject a friend 3 times and I felt bad every time, but that person had to realize that I'm not just going to give them a chance because we're friends or because they want a chance. My cardinal rule about that is that if I don't feel even an inkling of that kind of emotion for them, or I don't really see us being together like that, I'm going to say no. It wouldn't be fair to me nor to them. I wouldn't be able to give them my heart nor be true to myself. I don't say no to hurt them, it's just being honest with myself. That definitely saves a lot of pain in the long run. A couple guys didn't take it well. Well the one that asked a few times took it well until the third time, in which we had to have a time out. I really do want to stay friends with them but I understand that people get hurt and need time to heal their wounds. If they need time and space, I'll give it to them. If it salvages the friendship, I will wait a long time. Luckily, the friendship resumed with the first guy and we're still friends to this day.

Which brings me to the second guy.

He told me how he felt and I didn't return the feelings. I used humor as a shield and it ended up not being the right thing to do. It came off as me being insensitive and laughing at him putting himself out there, like it was nothing. Honestly, I thought I was diffusing the situation (because he was laughing too, a little), but I know now that I should have been serious and attentive. I was being selfish by trying to lessen the gravity of what was happening so I wouldn't feel awkward. I told him that I couldn't be that girl for him for reasons that were beyond my control. We agreed to continue to be friends. Later down the line, we had a miscommunication when it came to me visiting and that blew up in my face. I probably should have handled that better and been more sensitive to his feelings. It's on the fence between obliviousness and insensitivity but now it is what it is. He wrote me a letter telling me how he felt and that he was hurt and that we couldn't be friends because what this situation was doing was ultimately hurting him. I felt so bad... I didn't know I caused him this much pain, but I still wanted to be friends. He said he needed to cut me off so he could heal... I totally understood. To this day I still haven't spoken to him, messaged him, Facebooked, etc. I still feel the same but I don't want any old wounds to resurface when we see each other at a big event later on this year. Fingers crossed.

Now as for the last question, I feel like it sucks to wait for the other person to say they like you. Especially if you can feel that they like you too, it really doesn't matter who makes the first move. But I'm a little old fashioned and I would rather have the guy make the first move on me (unless we've already had an unspoken mutual understanding). But if we start going out, I want to think that I'm so over these stupid dating rules that I will tell him I like him if I did. I want to be open and honest, and communicative. These are the building blocks to a foundation everyone should have. If you can't talk about it with them, how are you going to fix things or make it better? 

This is really all so much easier said than done. I acknowledge that. Sometimes during the moment you're tongue tied and you just flub. It happens. The only thing you can do about that is to listen to that voice that gives you the courage to take action (or not take action), because sometimes you don't hear it until the moment you really need it. Prayer always helps, and so does a support system. There will always be someone who's rooting for you no matter the situation, so don't be afraid to fall; they will be your safety net to catch you and give you ice cream in either situation. Do it. Follow your heart. Life is too short to live it full of what ifs, especially when you feel so strongly. Most people regret what they didn't do more than they regret what they did. 

And with that, I leave you the letter Sophie wrote to Claire as Juliet, in Letters to Juliet.

"Dear Claire,

What and if are two words as nonthreatening as words can be. But put them together, side by side, and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life.

What if?

What if?

What if?

I don’t know how your story ended but if what you felt then was true love then it’s never too late. If it was true then, why wouldn’t it be true now? You only need the courage to follow your heart.

I don’t know what a love like Juliet’s feels like, a love to leave loved ones for, a love to cross oceans for, but I’d like to believe, if ever I were to feel it, that I’d have the courage to seize it. And Claire if you didn’t, I hope one day that you will.


All my love,

Juliet"

Airing it out

Ok so I broke my streak for a couple of days, but today I felt like writing about air.

Wind blows you toward me

Even when I look away

We can't escape this

Love all around us

I breathe you like I need you

We should never part

Yeah so... that reminded me of A Walk to Remember. Funny when words take you to a memory.

Continuing the trend

Last night I told ading that I would do a series of haikus for the next couple of days, in honor of the Avatar series. In total there will be five haikus, one per element and including spirit in whichever order I'm drawn to for the day. Today, for some reason, I'm drawn to the earth element.

Steadfast is the earth

Except when it is quaking;

Then it's disarray.

Changing it up a bit

So, my ading told me that sometimes he writes haikus, but usually if he wants to be more vague about something. I wasn't going to do this at first but as I went to get some water after my dance central workout, It kinda just popped into my head, so here it is:

When I'm near water,

Thoughts flow through me so simply.

Profoundness ensues.

World Cup madness!

Lately, not unlike the rest of the world, I've been getting into soccer. Everyone seems to be keeping up with the World Cup, even if it's just an occasional glance at the score, or checking out the really hot players. I don't really know what it is about sports that brings people together, but it really does. I think the effect is stronger the bigger the event. For instance, most people wouldn't go crazy over a school game unless your friends or family are playing. Sometimes that starts off with college games if that's the culture of your school. Most times, the attachment starts with the professional sports that are popular in the culture. For example, here in SF, most people are more attached to baseball and football because of our teams the Giants and the 49ers, respectively. The bigger/more important the game, the more people tend to gravitate toward the sport.  I won't go into the whole thing with those two teams, but because the World Cup is such a big thing right now, I'll focus on that.

The World Cup is basically the Olympics for soccer. It happens every 4 years, and numerous countries compete to bring their nation glory. And just like the Olympics I always root for team USA and whichever country I feel I identify with more or like. Sports is usually a symphony of unscripted athletic drama, and for me personally it's really easy for me to get emotionally invested in things like this. The cool thing is soccer really is the world's sport. Most of the countries play it and it actually can get really exciting. Even though most of the players just run around and pass, sometimes tens of minutes pass without any goal scored; but when it gets close to the net, that's when it gets real. There's so much that can happen with that wide of a field! The possibilities! This time around I'm going for USA and Germany. Also cheering for Japan and Korea, until they get eliminated or play the US. Oh sports, you have the whole world watching for the next few weeks.

Reunited and it feels so good!

Today is my 7th anniversary of graduating from college. Seriously I can't understand how time goes by that quickly. Just makes you think how life really is that short. One of my favorite things to do post-graduation (of high school, then later, college) is to catch up with old friends. Tonight was definitely in line with that sentiment. My friend came up from Socal and gathered a few of us Norcal people to have dinner. I haven't seen everyone in months so it's a nice little reunion every time I see people from college. The best thing about it is that once we get together, no matter where it is, it's like home. We're all so familiar with each other that we all just fall back into place. It usually happens with people at home too, when I haven't seen them in a while. Sometimes you just don't realize how much you miss someone until you reunite with them. It's all so easy  to get lost in your own routine, doing your own thing. People are really independent these days and sometimes it's just nice to put your guard down and just be with people.

One of my favorite parts about going to comic con is visiting friends who are in San Diego (and those who are amazing to drive down to see me). I'm so grateful to have amazing friends who would take the time to travel to hang out. No one could ask for better friends. One of the things I need to work on is to make time for those who are important to me, and to also try to bridge the gap between those who used to be. At the same time, those people are gone for a reason... but all it takes is one word to maybe start the friendship back up again. Who knows?

Pick it back up

One of the hardest things to do is to actually get back into good habits after slacking off for a while, or after failing to do something. To those people who find it easy to get back on that saddle, kudos to you. I hella wish I could do that too, but I do understand that it's something to work at. Some people are more naturally inclined to just pick up and go, while others, such as myself, need time to sulk, plan, and finally get into action. With those types of journeys, I wish I could just skip the middle part and fast forward to the end product, where I don't have to go through the process, I know that the journey is supposed to be the best part, but these are just one of the things where I will disagree.

Why is it so easy to fall apart, to do bad, to fall into bad habits, to destroy, but so difficult to get it together, take the high road, build? I can just eat terribly for a week and undo all the fitness I've been working toward for a whole month or more. It's so frustrating that it always takes more time to get it together than to take it apart. I guess if it were that easy, everyone would be the same. Looks like a test of will power, patience, and honor. Mental focus workout to the max!

I guess all we gotta to is keep trying. Keep your head down and work, look up and you've gone further than you probably thought.

Smoothies to gumption.

My dad is the best guy I know, and most likely the best guy I'll ever know in this lifetime. I can only hope that the guy I marry is even half the amazing man my dad is. I look up to him so much... a lot of who I am comes from him. Whether it's genetics or just exposure to habits, I don't care. I love who he is and I love who I am because of him.

Today we were getting dinner ready and I was making the smoothies. I keep asking questions when I'm helping him because I don't trust my judgment when it comes to cooking or preparing food. When I was blending the smoothies, he told me to put more coconut water. Soon after I asked if what I put was enough. He responded with "What are you afraid of?". All I could say was "I didn't want to make a mistake".

I've thought about this a lot. Is it a personality thing that I don't like/am afraid of failure? Or is it a conditioning thing? Think about it. Being raised by educated-driven, strict Asian parents, getting a bad grade (or anything lower than a B+) usually garners a scolding. Not to mention, the way the education system is handled is there seems to be more pressure on passing than learning, so some people get by with just memorizing instead of understanding. Now that I'm out of college and just in the work force, I feel like the stakes are higher. If I fail at something or choose incorrectly, I feel like it's going to impact the rest of my life. Failure is not something I'm used to, but I know that it's necessary to learn and move on, get stronger. I'm not saying that I've never failed, but I guess I haven't failed so badly that I had to turn my whole life around. Or I should say, I haven't had to do that in a long time. Most people will just tell me to suck it up and just do it. Don't think, just do it. Stop planning and take action. I can't agree with them more. Fear is what's holding me back. And laziness. But mostly fear.

When people talk about being brave and courageous, it's often said that being brave is definitely not the absence of fear, but rather the overwhelming presence of love. Remember that love isn't always defined as the romantic type, but also platonic, brotherly, etc. Doing the right thing in my opinion, is doing something out of love for the other person or for God, because you honor Him enough to push away the temptation of taking the low blow. You love Him enough to follow in high footsteps, and they always lead to higher ground. Love drives out fear. It's time I let the light in to melt away the darkness and just break down the walls to live my life fully, as it's been intended. Tomorrow is a new day and a new change. It's time to seize it.

Get it done!

Today I finally did it. I sent out my care package after almost 11 full months of planning it. To be fair, I did nothing for most of those months. It was supposed to be sent off by the end of May, but it just couldn't work. There were technical difficulties but I finally did it, and now it's in God's, USPS', Canada Post's, and the recipient's hands, and UPS' hands to get things back to me. And her's, of course. I really hope it works!

I feel like the whole care package ordeal is a metaphor for my life. I have the amazing idea to do something. I procrastinate like crazy then scramble to get it done. There are hiccups. Finally fed up with having not done it for a long time after I said I would, I finally just say "fuck it, whatever, I don't care how much it costs" and just do it. Now that it's done, it's a relief but I also feel the same. Not some huge weight lifted off my shoulders, just.. the same. Not in a bad way of course. I know that sometimes we have a set expectation of what we're going to feel after an event, and a lot of times it's never as we expect. Of course this whole thing was planned to the T until I actually kept doing it. Something tells me that this is exactly what's going to happen when I start my grad school stuff. I've been saying this for years, but I do really feel like this is going to be a crazy ride, and at the end I'll just feel lost and meh, but also accomplished and relieved. I would have fulfilled a life goal of mine (to get a hood fit for a MASTER!), but where would I go from there? Life is always a struggle after you complete something you've been so focused on, simply because you have to find a new focus. The process would start all over again. But I'm sure I have life ADD, because I just can't get my shit together and I get interested in other things that most of the time don't help the larger goal. As long as it's helping and not hurting in some way, right? =P

I'm constantly torn about what I'm supposed to do with my life. I want to be doing something meaningful and I know that I can do much more than what I'm doing now as a civil servant of the court. I have no idea what this life has in store for me, but I know that it's too short not to be happy. Even though I'm struggling with my life's purpose, there's always something that makes it worth while. Sure I'm not attached to someone, nor do I have my dream job, but I have my dream parents and amazing friends. There is nothing I can legitimately complain about, but I hope one day I can help alleviate someone's complaints in the world. I want to make a difference, and I hope that's not a selfish thing to ask. My hope is that I realize God's plan for me and then go full-hearted into it. One of the hardest things to do that I have yet to learn, is to tune myself and everything else out to hear him. There is so much "me" and worldly things I don't need that are deeply rooted in my thoughts. Simple pleasures are fine as long as I know what/who the true priorities are. The trick now is for me to find that volume dial so I can listen to that whispering wind after the earthquake and the fire. I have to get that done first.

Parental pride

Today while watching America's Got Talent there was this guy who performed for the first time in his adult life in front of his dad. When he left his family to pursue his music career, he ended up getting caught up in the scene, abusing drugs and getting lost. He's since then gotten clean and tried to get back on track. I think what was touching was that you don't really see dads cry on tv shows. It's always nice to see that; it shows that guys are allowed to be vulnerable and show it. The machismo doesn't need to be on all the time. Anyway, the guy said part of the reason why his dad hasn't seen him play was because he's older and that it's harder for him to move around, so that's part of the reason why he auditioned. After he played a piano version of "Wake Me Up" by Avicii (which I really do hate that song due to overplaying and weird juxtaposition of country and dance with soul?) which I thought was pretty solid. When he was done, they showed his dad with streaming tears of joy. One of the thoughts running through my head was that I want to make my parents that proud of me one day, and one of things I want to make them proud of is to follow my dream and achieve it.

The first thing that came to mind was grad school. I want to get it done. I want my hood. I want an even higher education. I know I can do all the work, put in the long hours, the stress, and work at the same time. The only problem is that I don't have a solid plan. Getting through this is going to be hard but it will be worth it. I guess I'm just scared of what happens after, like if I can't find a job. I suppose I can't leave my job just yet, especially with this new family drama going on (it's not within the family, it's the family vs. others) and I'm afraid that with my parents retiring, it's going to be a little tight on the funds. I'm prepared to sacrifice my finances to make sure they're comfortable enough, so I hope everything works out. But add this drama and what I have to do to get through grad school, it's going to be a hard road. But first I need to get through the preliminary stuff and get my shit together to get this ball rolling. I want to do something in life that my parents can be proud of; something that I've done all by myself without their help. Or a little bit of their help.

One day. I have to keep this fire burning in me so I can follow through. Ok God. Let's do this.

A difference in opinion

Sometimes it really sucks when you have a difference in opinion with someone. I'm usually the type who would rather avoid confrontation than get into it with someone. I don't know if it's a confidence issue, a laziness issue, or a combination of the two, but it's just not a comfortable situation for me. I don't like offending people and I especially don't like getting offended, so why bring it up? I try to smooth it over and deflect so that we would be back on comfortable terms. What I do like is those people who you can say whatever to and even with the difference of opinion, state your difference then drop it. Or if there are any questions, answer them and then drop it. I know it's not the end of the world if someone disagrees with you, but people can get so passionate or they just can't leave it alone that it can often lead to unnecessarily hurt feelings. The real test in friendship or character is in the bouncing back.

Bouncing back is always an interesting thing. People deal with it differently, or people deal with it differently according to the situation. I suppose that's why there's 7 stages of grieving. Of course, it doesn't sound that drastic, but it seems like the same thing on a smaller scale. With some things I like to try to rip it off like a band-aid, just get it off so I only feel a small sting instead of a slow and painful tear. Other things I do the band aid thing but allow myself to go through the emotions so I don't leave any emotion unfelt that I'm not supposed to leave out so I don't dwell on it later for some incomplete feeling. The third thing I do sometimes is that I completely block it out -- the pride block. This is where I don't allow myself to feel it, or I deflect it with pride. It can't hurt you if your walls are up, right? Someone insults me? Well pride block it and insult them back! I feel like this tactic is definitely hit or miss; that it works or it's detrimental.

I guess avoiding conflict is just another way for me to avoid feeling. Sometimes it's easier to be numb than it is to go through the process. Some people feel like the pain and chaos is worth it, others don't. I teeter on the fence between the two, just waiting for the wind to push me one way or the other. Some days I lean one way, other days I lean the other way. It's just one of those situations where you have to play it by ear and just improvise. Eventually you'll learn the difference if it's worth it or not to bust the issue open, or which method is better to cope. Oh life, you never have the instructions, and it's one big improv.

Retail balancing

I love shopping. I really do, especially if there's deals involved. I feel like there are tens and tens of emails I get every day that's about shopping, and it's just how strong my discipline and restraint are when it comes to certain items. One of the things I need to learn is retail restraint, which is why I gave up shopping for lent, only to return to my bad habit but a little better. Thankfully I have friends who help tell me if it's a great buy or help me question if I really need it. But seriously, I feel like finding the best deals is definitely an art, and a lot of it is luck.

Soon I have to start cleaning out my closet and drawers so I can have room for my stuff. I'll just give the donation slips to my parents for their tax stuff and I hope that their financial situations are ok. Since they're retiring soon I know I really shouldn't be giving into my retail urges, just in case they need some help. Not to mention, I have a lot of saving to do for grad school, eventually, so I hope that it all goes well. I guess I shouldn't worry about today and put my trust in God. It would be amazing if we won the lotto, but I'm not gonna rely on that plan.

Quality time with coworkers

Today my coworkers and I went to happy hour after work. It's been a weird week so I'm glad we got to have a little fun afterward. As much as I always want to GTFO out of work, I really don't mind most of my coworkers at all. In all honesty, there's just such a few people who I would rather get away from right off the bat who give me a weird vibe. The new people are pretty cool and I'm just glad that some people who were a thorn in my side have left. The downside is that now that everyone is pretty cool, it makes it just that much harder to leave. It really shouldn't deter me from finding a new job, because I know that with most of them, I would keep in touch and still be really good friends with them. It's more of a forever kind of friendship with a number of them so I shouldn't be worried at all. They are really great at being supportive, so if I move on they totally understand. My group is there for each other and we have fun together. Really, I'm fortunate to have this group with me.

On a different note, one of them hasn't told me she's dating someone. To be fair, I didn't tell her about my stuff but that doesn't mean I wouldn't have. My stuff was over in 2 dates but hers has been going on for a while. I, too would have downplayed things until I knew for sure that I liked someone. She claims to not be that into him, and it seems like the way she talks about this to her friends seems like she's just not that into him. So why is she taking the bus for 2 hours just to watch a movie with this fool? And why isn't he going to pick her up or drive to the city to spend time with her? She isn't from here and doesn't have a car. And why did she take the bus instead of just rent a car? These are some of the questions we asked each other because it really doesn't make sense. You just don't take a 2 hour bus ride just to watch a movie with someone if you didn't like them. It's ok to like someone! At the same time, he should be going to her for the aforementioned reasons! Plus, although I'm a modern woman, I really don't mind having the guy chase me. The variable will be how I would pace myself in order to for him to catch me. Plus, if she doesn't like him as she claims, then why doesn't she just break up with him? It happens all the time. I know it's easier said than done but if you're just procrastinating on it, it's just gonna get worse.

The time you spend with people should be quality, so if you're not feeling it just don't waste your time! Life is too short to let the good stuff pass you by. I know I should really follow my own advice, but as I said, it's easier said than done. Maybe one day I will get my shit together and act. One of my prayers is for wisdom and courage; wisdom to know when to act, and courage in order to do it. I'm the type of person who needs to be mentally prepared for it, and once I do, I'm like an unstoppable train most of the time.

Well, here's to action, so I can spend the quality time doing what makes me happy.

I'm not usually always into social media trends...

...But i really love the throwback Thursday thing. I always love that glimpse into the past, no matter how far back it was, granted it wasn't in the immediate past. when we meet people, we usually get to see them at one point but it's always interesting to see how they were before you got to know them. it's almost like they're a different person, or you go and realize that something in that picture is part of why they are the way they are now. how amazing is that, to see your friend on the way to becoming the person you know now? i think it's an intimate thing to show someone who you were before. not everyone is proud of that person, or on the opposite end, some people are sad that who they were before got away with them. most people want to just show their good sides to the world, which is fine, but it's definitely something crazy if they share with you something that wasn't all rainbows and sunshine.

i think that's why i rarely share my poetry with anyone. i wrote a few poems in high school that were graphic and dark because that was a place I was in. i don't ever regret that part of my life, but at the same time it doesn't apply to me anymore. i am still capable of that anger, resentment, and sorrow, but i am just not the person who dwells on it. i miss the past, especially the good times, but of course there's nothing i can do but to look back at it fondly and try to hold myself to the high standard that the younger me did. things may  not have played out as i dreamed it, but no matter the journey, i've acquired a lifetime of knowledge. there's always so much more to learn. i think the goal is to make as many throwbacks happy, so every time i look back i would be contented with the steps i took to get to where i am.

Just scrolling by...

Once in a while, tumblr has some amazing information and some really good argumentative points. The articles or short blurbs I'm used to reading are usually informative although useless unless I participate in trivia nights. I also read a lot about feminism in regards to agency, respect, and empowerment that should be realized among every female. There is a disparity of power between the sexes and in this day and age, it's baffling how unequal we are. Sometimes I read a bit of history, science, or social issues. There's so much going on in the world; so much that is broken, and so much that needs to be set as an example. Although it's usually a place for fangirling and being silly, there are definitely serious issues that circulate that really give me a glimpse into what people 10+ years younger than me have on their mind, or at the very least, are exposed to.

Earlier this evening, there was a discussion on culture. Culture itself is already a multi-faceted subject that you can have endless conversations about. I've studied culture for at least 4 year formally at a university. We create and are exposed to culture every day. But the discussion this evening was interesting because one of the initial statements were about people who wear their multi-racial identities like a badge or pride, like something to brag about because they're made up of so many different ethnic backgrounds. There was another point about the fine line between identifying with parts of your many cultures and mocking it simply because you don't have any connection to it. I know this is a loaded subject and I know I'm not going to write a lot on it, even though there is the potential to. I guess going back to my overall point is that this side of tumblr makes me really happy that the youth out there on the internet isn't always the stereotypical grammar butchering, excessive selfie taking, superficial kind of crowd. I love seeing more serious discussion (actual discussion!) about issues and topics out there that would seem like you're in a college discussion session! Not to say that I would rather read that on my tumblr constantly, but it's always a nice surprise from all the gifs and infographics. The best part about the internet is that sometimes these discussions are both intellectual and humorous, which is exactly my style.

Sometimes the internet can surprise you in a good way, and tonight I'm glad it did.

The order of things

This June, I'm trying to get some sort of routine down. Not just the usual thing of getting up, going to work, coming home, working out, but a more orderly way to go about life. I'm one of those people who love making lists even if I don't check everything off of it. Let's be honest, even if it's the smallest task it's always nice to put it down just so you can check it off. I also like to narrow down my choices, so if I want to do something, I don't have to be overwhelmed with all the infinite combinations I can have. It seems I have a list for everything: stuff I want to accomplish that day, tv shows I want to watch, ongoing playlists for potential mix tapes or whatever. Sometimes I need some kind of organization because my thoughts just go everywhere else. Luckily for me, I get tons of scratch paper at work so I get to give those sheets a second life.

One of the things I've noticed is that I usually feel like I have my shit together when my room is clean. For me, it's a reflection of how I'm feeling most of the time. After a few weeks of not cleaning it just gets too out of hand messy and I immediately feel better after I clean it. Same for the common areas; I need to have them clean or I feel strange about it. Definitely at work. I don't mind a little messy, but if certain parts of my desk aren't cleared I will feel like I have a problem. Since this is work, there most likely is a problem if my desk is full of paper. I hate being swamped, but there is a procedure and an order to get through though it. Most of the time it works. I supposed that's why when I get stressed, I take the time out to clean everything. I go on cleaning sprees. Or if I'm bored I'll just start cleaning something and it creates a domino effect. I can't stop once I start sometimes, depending on time and if I have other events going on.

Not saying that everything has to be planned down to the T, because some of the best things come spontaneously. Having some sort of guideline works until you have the intuition to throw it away at what seems to be the right time. Funny how that applies to life too.

Revisiting the past

The mind is a funny place. I've had a couple conversations with people where just seeing or talking to a person, listening to a song, or just being somewhere can just trigger flashes of memories so strong that it just floods your mind. When you come to, you just realize how much has changed but you're left wondering if you are the same person, and let's face it, if things happened differently, would it change what you are today.

I used to wonder this about my high school experience. Most of my friends from middle school went to the other high school, along with this guy that I liked for a few years. I was convinced that if I went to that high school, we would've been together, and we probably would have been happy. Or I would've found out how high of a pedestal I put him on, and how broken my heart could get. I may not have ended up at UCI and found some of my lifelong friends in what could arguably be the best 4 years of my life. In another scenario, I could have gone to another college and had a totally different experience and different friends, and probably a different lifestyle today.

But you know what I've learned throughout all this? Everything happens for a reason, and you end up being exactly where you need to be at exactly the right time. The thing is that most of the time it doesn't feel like that at all. Some people look back and see how different they are. Others look back and see what's stayed consistent throughout the years. One of those things that seem to stay the same, no matter how you look at it, is those feelings you had exactly at that moment when you stumble upon a trigger that floods your mind. The only difference is how you react to your feelings now vs. then. You still feel it the same, but when you look back just shows you have far you've come (or haven't).

I think one of the craziest kinds of memory mind fucks is when you go somewhere or see someone, and it triggers fragments from years, maybe even decades ago, and then you just make sense of it there. You may or may not like the realization, but it just starts to make sense. It's amazing how much your mind can hold and how long it can incubate something like that. Not to mention how insane it is how fast this happens to trigger instantly. Ridiculous. We are truly amazing creatures.

It's the first of the month

Tonight, I decided to get on this blogging thing a lot more regularly, so I will make sure I write at least once a day. Hopefully, it will go so well that I get to type in this thing maybe twice a day. With a new month comes new promise. Most people feel this newness during the beginning of the year. Now we're about halfway done and I count myself fortunate to feel this promise at the beginning of the month. The goal eventually, is to feel this fortunate to feel the potential of a new beginning every day, instead of dreading what I know will happen, such as the mundaneness of work and the commute. I should strive for the moments I can have to myself and do what I want to accomplish, and hopefully try to accomplish some of that at work as well. The list making will be insane this month. Gotta write those goals down in order to cross them off! Here's to a promise of a new beginning, and actually sticking to it.